Illusions
"Hey, Lilian. Come on, it's time to go home."
I ran my fingers through her hair, the silky smooth hair that must have come from her mother. She brushed up against my leg, wrapping her arms around it like she was hanging on for dear life.
"No Daddy! Come on! Just let me stay here a little longer!"
"I'm sorry sweetie, but I can't leave you here. I have to get to work early tomorrow."
I let her hair go and reached down toward her hands. Reluctantly, she released her grasp and moved onto my finger. I led her away from the spot she always stood, and guided her through the city. Cars honked at each other. Smoke glided through the air from passerby's cigarettes. There were gray umbrellas set up around outdoor cafes. A blanket of clouds hung low over everything. This is the city life.
I had come here because of a job that promised enough for a home, and schooling for Lilian. We were in a pretty rough spot, and I had to take it. I could almost remember our old house, our old -
"Hey daddy, can I go back tomorrow?"
Lilian snapped me back to reality. To the city. I looked down at her, her face a muted pale peach with a splash of freckles. She was starting to look like me a little bit, minus the old man hair of course. Her eyes were faded and grey, but they were shimmering with hope. I couldn't help but smile at her.
"Of course sweetheart. But you are going to have to wait for daddy to come home. It's not safe to walk alone at your age."
She was 8, but was just starting proper schooling. Before now, I never had the money or the time to get her there myself. Everything I used to do for the two of us was put towards surviving.
She was smart though, and was already years ahead of her classmates. She could read, write, and had an ever growing vocabulary. She was the star child that people write books about.
She smiled up to me before firing the next question.
"Are we almost home?"
"Yes sweetie, it's just over this hill. You should try to pay attention now that we are living here."
We turned the corner, our brick building looming on the side of the street, squished in between the other similarly shaped tall and dark buildings. We were on the 5th floor, almost at the top. Thankfully there was no one living above us, but the climb every day was a pain. There was no elevator- I could never afford a place with that kind of luxury.
As we approached, a car passed by the two of us honking its horn and flinging a vulgar line at the two of us. Lillian looked up at me, the hope in her eyes replaced with fear.
“Don't worry, sweetheart. The are just some people in the world who don't know any better.”
That was good enough for her, and I was thankful enough for that. She always held onto hope, always staying positive and trying to make the best out of any situation.
We walked up the concrete stairs to our building, Building 58, the one with a chip in the 3rd stair and a missing ornament on the railing. I fished in my pocket for the key, a small silver one that had a hard time not getting drowned in the rest of my trash. After pulling out my wallet, phone, a few wrappers, and a couple of coupons, I finally had the key.
“Daddy, can I try it?”
“Of course sweetie.”
I handed Lilian the key, leading her hand up to the lock on the door. After a few attempts to squeeze the upside down key into the hole, I chuckled and turned it over for her. It slid right it, and she twisted the key, temporarily unlocking the door for us.
I turned the knob, an ornate brass doorknob, the kind that leaves your hands smelling gross yet always seem to be everywhere nowadays, and Lilian ran in, starting her ascent up to the fifth floor. I smiled and removed the key from the lock before following after her.
It was nearly 5:30 before I managed to get off work. Lilian was with a sitter, and I had left enough money to cover up until 5 o’clock. She was fine alone for a little while, but typically she was preoccupied with school most days, and could be taken care of by one of her friends’ parents. I always offered to pay them for watching her, but they never accepted anything. They would walk her back to her spot, and I would take her from there.
I never knew why she insisted on being left there so often, but I assumed that she just liked the view. It was one of the few places that overlooked the sea, a flood of water as far as the eye could see. I was surprised that there was never anyone else there either, the view was really something special. I guess it was too far off to the side. Or everyone was preoccupied with their lives. Whatever, I guess I am too.
As I opened the door to our apartment, I heard Lillian's little energized feet charging toward the door. I opened it and knelt down, preparing for her to jump at me. She did, of course, landing right in my arms and squeezing me as tight as she could. I picked her up, spinning around as I walked into our home.
“Did you have fun today Lillian?” I asked.
“Yes daddy!” she giggled back.
“Were you well behaved? I won't be getting and horror stories from the sitter later will I?” I asked, half laughing. I knew that she was. She always was.
“Yes daddy!”
I put her down after a deep breath and a sigh of relief. Thankfully I was done for the week, the business was closed on Sunday.
“Daddy, can we go now?” Lillian asked looking up at me with her puppy dog eyes, shimmering again. She was practically bouncing up and down.
“Alright sweetie.”
I had almost forgotten about her request for me to take her to her spot today. Come to think of it, I still don’t know why she was always anxious to go there, or why she liked it so much. I always assumed that Lilian just stood and watched the ocean waves. Her spot was a small overlook of a nearby beach, which was mostly unused by the people of the city. It was at the end of an alleyway just past the hill, not too far from our place. There were two benches there too but they remained unused, mere shadows to the people who passed them by.
After a few minutes, we had arrived at the alleyway. I looked down to the end, the circular gray stone wall marking the beaches overlook. No one else seemed to care, every passerby ignoring the two of us, they all had somewhere else to be. No one had time to take notice of a father and daughter walking down an alleyway that no one ever used.
I took a seat. Lilian was skipping around, keeping her path along the gray wall as she proceeded back and forth. I noticed the waves crash against the shoreline, the water a shade of gray as it reflected the sky, a sky muddled with the light of the city. The soft rush of water oddly calming, a sound that I never had a chance to hear anymore.
“Ready daddy?” Lilian called out to me. I didn’t know what she was talking about.
“Ready for what sweetie?” I asked her.
Her only response to my question was a giggle. Next thing I knew, Lilian's hair seemed to glow a little brighter. The water seemed slightly bluer. It was something that I had forgotten about. It was vibrance. Color.
Lilian’s hands were sparkling. As she skipped back and forth, I noticed the sparkles floating away from her fingers into the open air. Slowly, the sparkles formed a circle. Inside the circle, was a world I had never seen before.
I could only stare at the purple sky and pink leaves that rustled around on the trees in the distance. The long blue grass moved with the wind, yellow flowers flourishing along with the blades. Lilian giggled again, now standing in between the two benches and gazing into the world she had created.
“Lilian… what is this?” I asked her. My head twisted around, trying to see if anyone else had noticed the sudden brightness and splash of color coming from the alleyway. Still no one cared, their heads down and walking past with only one thing on their mind.
“It’s my dream, daddy,” Lilian said. “I want to go here someday. I’ll see it for real.”
Her eyes were shimmering as she stared, now a vibrant hazel that blended into blue. The most colorful eyes I had ever seen. They were even brighter than hers…
“Lilian, I’m sorry. But we need to go home now.”
The light vanished. As soon as it was gone, the color faded back to the dark and muted pallet it was before. Lilian looked up at me, her eyes once again gray, the same as mine. They were quivering.
“But…why daddy? I just wanted to share my dreams with you.”
“Lilian…” I trailed off, searching for the proper words. “It’s not safe for you to do this. Come now.” I reached down to her hand and grabbed it, turning my back on the waves that continued to crash upon the shoreline. Slowly, I led Lilian away from her spot.
I thought about what I had said. Lilian was a bright kid, but the life I could provide to her wasn’t the one that she deserved. Even if she was just a child, she needed to learn that. The path was already set for her. Dreaming about worlds that didn’t exist, ones that she would never be able to go to, they would only get in the way.
I thought about her mother. She was the same way. She reached for the stars, but now she was gone because of it. I simply fell in line, doing whatever was asked, and nothing more. I was still here.
I opened the door without another word. Lilian quietly followed me up the stairs, remaining silent as well. I think she could tell that I was upset, but I needed to be at a time like this. She needed to stay focused on the world around her. If she didn’t learn that now, she never would.
She went to bed as soon as I unlocked our apartment. I sat down on the couch, a ripped brown couch that never felt right to sit on. It was free, so it did for now. I closed my eyes. I would talk to her tomorrow.
The next morning, I awoke to a silence. An eerie quiet that I hadn’t felt since I had first started the job hunt. The time before I met the girl of my dreams. I stood. The kitchen hadn’t been touched. Lilian’s door was opened a crack. I pushed it open the rest of the way.
“Sweetie, I thought about what I said yesterday…” I was talking to no one. Lilian was not here.
Panic began to take over. I called her name, only to have it echo back in the silence. She was still a child, did she leave? Where did she go? No, I knew where she went. I grabbed my coat and dashed out the door.
I looked down the alleyway, the color seeming to grow more intense the further down my eyes traveled. No one else seemed to care at all. Someone bumped my shoulder, almost knocking me down. Before I could respond they were gone, lost to the crowd of people all with only one goal in mind.
I reached the spot. The spot where she always stood. There was a circle floating in the air, a portal to another world. The blue blades of grass blew in the wind. I heard a laugh. There she was. Through the tall spikes of grass and the yellow flowers came my only daughter. Only she was just an illusion, a picture hanging in front of my face. She stopped next to a tree, a tree with pink leaves that blew around in the wind. Sitting under the tree was a woman. It was her mother. Her arms were open, and Lilian ran into them landing in a hug. I reached out, but the image was fading. I met eyes with her. She nodded. Then, they were gone.
I felt the cold wood of the bench appear below me. The gray waves crashing against the shoreline, heavy and loud. I felt a tear form in my eye. I sat and I cried.